Preface
This piece is a record and reflection of my life from 2022-08-01 to 2022-08-07. In terms of work rhythm, it was far from busy, and I even got home as early as 7 p.m. on several days, which was rare. The extra leisure time allowed me to think more about my personality and state of life, and to organize many previously scattered thoughts.
Sincerity
Over the weekend, I learned that a close friend was facing interpersonal relationship difficulties. We reviewed and analyzed the causes together, involving aspects such as personality, individual temperament, communication, and thinking patterns. The core factor running through it all was “sincerity”. Combined with my reflections on interpersonal relationships and communication from the past few weeks, I’d like to share some of my thoughts.
The Dilemma of Interpersonal Relationships
As I’ve grown older and been influenced by the traits internalized in my personality, I quite enjoy giving to others, especially those close to me, and I believe I’ve practiced this in my past experiences. But some events that occurred later made me gradually realize that I seem to have always drawn very clear boundaries in interpersonal relationships: family, lovers, close friends, other friends, people I won’t become close to, strangers, and so on. Although there may not be much subjective consciousness or utilitarian consideration, there are always hidden priorities. In the vast majority of communications with others, I may have only achieved authenticity or avoided being hypocritical and sycophantic, while often finding it difficult to take the step towards true sincerity.
From the perspective of so-called social standards or positive feedback obtained from others, it seems to be quite sufficient. This often makes me question whether there is such an inherent line when people first get to know each other. It’s not difficult to reach this line, and being friendly seems to already meet the foundation for establishing almost all relationships. However, to cross this line requires exponentially more effort, and I often stop at this point. It seems that when reaching a certain critical moment, there’s a voice telling me that what needs to be done for this relationship is just this much, and it’s enough.
Self
A later argument with a close friend made me realize the self-righteousness and self-satisfaction hidden behind this way of thinking, which even subtly influenced my behavior and thinking priorities. After realizing this, I went through some adjustments and changes. I gradually became less concerned about the balance of mutual contributions and began to consciously consider what others need and what I can do in my interactions with them. Whether in communication or getting along, I took an extra step beyond my previous habits and received some sincere feedback. However, I still feel that it’s difficult to achieve sincerity well in my inner heart.
Reflections on Sincerity
Perhaps due to insecurity and inner defensiveness, I often feel that a large part of others’ friendliness towards me is an equivalent reciprocation of my friendly attitude. And in my own heart, there are actually many indifferent factors. I can’t always wholeheartedly dedicate myself with full enthusiasm. Sometimes I feel like an outsider observer, watching my own actions and the corresponding feedback they receive, and in the process, achieving my “optimization” in interactions with others.
To say there’s any malice or utilitarian purpose wouldn’t be accurate, but when examining myself, there are always some strange thoughts. Over time, it becomes difficult to feel the sincere parts in others’ words or feedback, and it’s hard to distinguish whether it’s out of gratitude or pure emotion without preconceptions.
Gradually, I became able to let my guard down only with these objects:
- Close friends who have always accompanied me and are treated as family
- The object of my unreserved devotion in romantic relationships
- Friends who have gone through difficult times together (possibly bad states, emotional breakdowns, etc.)
In fact, the commonality is that I have actively shown my extremely vulnerable, sensitive, or bad side in front of them, yet was trusted and accepted, making me realize at some stage that I relied on such sincere companionship. Perhaps I’m too strict about this point, or I’m no longer accustomed to investing too much sincerity in a new relationship. I always feel that I’m becoming more and more negative and slow in my emotions, and often no longer have more expectations. This is also the biggest dilemma I’m currently facing. The reflection and discussion about sincerity and getting along continue, and I hope there can be some alleviation.
Games
I didn’t actually play any games this week, but I want to talk about “games”.
Games are both familiar and unfamiliar to me. As a child, I was a die-hard Nintendo fan. A GameBoy and a few Pokémon (it was called Pocket Monsters back then) cartridges accompanied me through almost my entire childhood. I completed every version countless times and knew every in-game collection like the back of my hand. Even in middle and high school, I often revisited those classics through emulators, playing early versions of the Zelda and Fire Emblem series.
After entering university, I completely lost interest in games. I only played one bot match in the ever-popular League of Legends and never logged in again. I didn’t catch the Overwatch craze, and later games like Hearthstone and Honor of Kings were only briefly tried before being abandoned. At gatherings, my response of “I’m not very good at it” to invitations to play Honor of Kings together always caught people off guard.
I always felt there were more important things to do, or feared the guilt of immersing myself in games. I was able to avoid contact for a long time, and gradually lost interest, until the appearance of the Nintendo Switch in 2017. I seemed to rediscover my passion for the gaming world, hoarded many games, immersed myself in Hyrule completely forgetting Zelda’s Link’s mission, hatched eggs day and night in Pokémon Sword and Shield to cultivate my team, pondered over strategy for a whole night for a limited item in Fire Emblem: Three Houses…
Games have actually brought a lot. I lost a cup of Starbucks because of a guess about whether she was playing Changge or Wanhua in JX3, which was the beginning of our relationship. We caught Eevee together every day in Pokémon Go, completed daily tasks and gyms, and gained a lot of happiness. Later, our daily routine became her playing JX3 and me playing Pokémon, and we both ended up playing dress-up games. Gradually, the joy of games was no longer confined to the game design itself, but in the daily life embedded within.
Now I often want to pick up the controller and play something, constantly switching between games, but I find it hard to muster the courage to start, having lost that mindset.
State Adjustment
This week’s work was still on the preparation of the previous project. Because I was already very familiar with this part of the architecture and code, the workload was very controllable, so I was able to finish relatively early.
But even though I had some free time, I still felt that internal consumption was quite serious. Actually, I’ve started to slowly think about the nature and gains of work recently, and I also talked about this with a newly acquainted undergraduate junior who I feel a connection with. Although I gained a lot of improvement in the initial stage of work, which was a necessary phase, because it’s not what I really want to do or am interested in, but one external demand after another, lacking the positive feedback brought by a sense of achievement, I can only compensate for this part from my blog posts or other learning outputs.
These days I can basically get home after 7 p.m., giving me a lot more time to dispose of as I wish, but for the first few days after getting home, I felt a bit at a loss and couldn’t make good use of it or relax properly. Humura gave me a lot of suggestions after my last weekly review, especially regarding exercise and sleep, but there was very limited room for adjustment this week, and my sleep condition even worsened after stopping melatonin (having finished two bottles).
The time arrangement for the latter few days improved a lot, but sleep still didn’t improve. I feel I need more self-discipline to adjust my state. The self-discipline mentioned here is not about focusing on work or study, but more strictly dividing my time, ensuring a balance between work and rest, entertainment, and exercise in my work and study in a regular way, rather than a period of activeness + a period of depression. I might even need to find some subtle motivation or expectation for myself every day, such as taking some daily videos or cultivating some simple habits.
Learning and Input
This section will record some interesting things I’ve found and some progress in work and study.
Technical Learning
This week I read quite a few books and tutorials outside of work. I’ve used a lot of Docker and k8s operations in my work before, and have some understanding of basic operations, but I haven’t systematically understood their principles and advanced usage. I found a great channel “TechWorld with Nana”, which explains things very clearly and practically.
I’ve completely studied the architecture and core mechanisms of Cosmos once, and I’m drawing some diagrams to organize it. The first project after starting work was based on Cosmos development for nearly half a year, but I always had a half-understanding of its underlying principles. I’ve finally filled in some of the gaps I had at that time and studied it properly.
Blog Related
I previously came across a learning concept based on blogging or teaching, which is to learn a new knowledge point with the standard of being able to teach others or make readers understand better. With this premise, I can more clearly define my learning goals. Based on this, I’ve planned several blog posts:
- Cosmos Principles and Architecture
- Docker Basics and Practice
- k8s Basics and Practice
I need to spend more time on writing next week.
Input
Books
- Tim Cook: The Genius Who Took Apple to the Next Level, I was quite surprised by Tim’s childhood and some of his views
- Blockchain Architecture and Implementation: Cosmos Explained, I read it because of work, the first four chapters are quite good, explaining the entire architecture, especially the consensus algorithm, in detail. I plan to look at the source code for the later detailed chapters when I need to use them as reference material
TV Series
- The Genius Game, Lei Jiayin’s acting is very good, and Zhang Zifeng is also a pleasant surprise. As I watched further, I found the parallel universe setting similar to “Someday or One Day”, but the logic and worldview are far inferior, and the plot and character development are a bit frustrating
- Extraordinary Attorney Woo, looking forward to new episodes every week
Anime
- Summer Time Rendering, getting more and more exciting
- My Stepmom’s Daughter Is My Ex, watched several episodes in a row, quite relaxing
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