Preface
This is a record and reflection of my life from August 22, 2022 to August 28, 2022.
This week, there were finally some changes at work. I entered another project that I’m very interested in and more challenging. I feel I can put to use some of the contract and underlying chain-related knowledge I learned while working from home. A colleague I was quite close to left the company mid-week. He joined a week before me, and the first interface I wrote at work was taught by him. Perhaps I’m not yet accustomed to farewells, and I feel somewhat sentimental.
On the weekend, I met up with Twitter friend Homura. He’s an interesting and cute boy. We chatted a lot and found many similar ideas and hobbies. It was a delightful experience. Perhaps because I didn’t play online games or post much on social media before, I don’t seem to be very good at making online friends. This is a small change recently (social phobia recovery therapy), and I’ve decided to go out more to take photos and enrich my life.
Additionally, I read quite a few books and gradually got back on track in life. Coincidentally (or perhaps with some inclination), the two books I read this week and the drama I thought of all tell the stories and thoughts of ordinary people. This led to many reflections on being interesting, ordinary, and oneself.
Also, a tweet from Manjusaka stirred up some memories and thoughts about charity and kindness.
Colorless Yu and His Year of Pilgrimage
This title is derived from Haruki Murakami’s “Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage”, a long and somewhat perplexing name. I came across this book when meeting Humura at a bookstore. I noticed he was reading Murakami’s “Kafka on the Shore”, which suddenly reminded me that I wanted to catch up on Murakami’s books.
When I read “1Q84” and “Norwegian Wood” before, I quite liked his writing style. It feels plain yet has a narrative charm, interspersed with some imaginative metaphors. But my favorite is still his miscellaneous essays and notes. Many reflections in “What I Talk About When I Talk About Running” are thought-provoking. After reading it, I was motivated to keep running for a whole winter break.
The exterior of Wansheng Bookstore in Beijing is quite dilapidated. I had to check the map several times to find the entrance in an inconspicuous place nearby. Inside, bookshelves are everywhere. The arrangement isn’t orderly but doesn’t lack aesthetic appeal. Following a small corner entrance next to it, I turned a few corners before finding the literature section. “A hidden world” might be the best description. It’s an interesting place that reminds me of many old bookstores in Hong Kong.
I immediately saw the shelf with Murakami’s books and randomly chose “Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage”. I also picked up “Novelist as a Vocation”. After some hesitation, I decided to read the former first. The perplexing name aroused curiosity, and a novel seemed better for passing the afternoon. After reading a few pages, ah, it’s the familiar flavor.
Although I read hastily and don’t have the habit of taking notes when reading novels, I still remember a few interesting points. First is the interpretation and exploration of names. When his parents named him, they struggled between “Tsukuru” and “Sou”, eventually choosing the former. They hoped he would only need to “make” rather than bearing the pressure of “creating”. This already had a good meaning, but because the other four people in his small group and his subsequent close friend’s names all coincidentally included color words: “red”, “blue”, “black”, “white”, “gray”, it made him feel like he was a characterless existence, along with a colorless life.
Actually, complaints about one’s own name are common. In “Reply 1988”, Deok-sun also complained to her parents that her name lacked uniqueness, unlike her sister Bora. I once had similar thoughts. My name seemed short and unremarkable, and being a common surname, I often encountered people with the same name in school. Consequently, I often needed to make extra effort to leave more memorable impressions.
Although I’ve reconciled with myself later, I still often feel that an interesting life is beyond my reach. I always envy others’ interesting personalities and experiences, and even when I do well, I only feel like I’m fulfilling the duties of my ordinary life or that these achievements don’t belong to me. There’s a psychological condition called “impostor syndrome” that seems to aptly describe this point. I saw this mentioned in an article about engineering literacy:
As age and experiences accumulate, this tendency seems to intensify. The pursuit of being interesting has become an elusive obsession, but even when others comment that I’m a person with rich experiences or interesting, I’m always skeptical. Tsukuru Tazaki in the book seems to be in a similar state. He’s actually doing the station construction work he’s always been interested in, yet still feels he’s missing something, attributing it to his lack of color.
People seem to have a tendency to form groups at various stages, and once dependent on a group, one inevitably suffers pressure and setbacks from relationships. In college, I once had such a group of four, two boys and two girls. We were inseparable, and when the counselor or classmates found someone missing, they would naturally ask the others.
But after a while, I felt obvious pressure. The other three seemed to be more prominent figures, always the shining ones in the crowd, while I seemed to always lack presence. Yet internally, I didn’t want to be the redundant one who was part of it out of habit. So I started deliberately avoiding and escaping, but of course, my clumsy performance couldn’t hide it, and it was quickly noticed.
I can say I was luckier than Tsukuru Tazaki. I wasn’t abandoned, and there were no misunderstandings. The other three cornered me at the entrance of the boys’ dormitory one night, asking me to reveal my inner conflicts, and then resolved them one by one. Regarding the response to personality and presence, I might still think it was just comfort, but I felt that I was needed in this relationship and pattern, that my emotions were taken seriously by them, that our relationship was cherished. Even though we later had few opportunities for joint action due to cities and many reasons, we still maintain good contact, and they’re the first people I think of when visiting any member’s city.
“Stoner” actually also describes a lot about the ordinariness of life and the perfection of personality. However, the topic is quite broad, and I might talk about it later along with “Normal People”.
Kindness and Charity
Last week, I saw a tweet from Manjusaka:
A piece of good news to share with everyone
A student from the Daliangshan area, whom my sister and I have been supporting together, has successfully been admitted to a decent public college in the eastern coastal area. It’s considered the first step of stepping out. Although for many people, a college might not be worth mentioning, for children from Daliangshan, this step already requires too much effort
Welcome everyone to join in supporting students, after all
#Education is the best public welfare
Later, I learned about the “One Village One School” organization and plan to follow up and support a student one-on-one in the future.
Actually, I find it hard to ascribe the noble meaning of “charity” to these actions of mine. I’ve had times when I used them as a boast or topic of conversation.
The year I finished the college entrance exam, I went with close friends to a mountain village in Hunan for volunteer teaching. We participated in some activities, taught some classes, met a group of lovely children, and then hurriedly left. Later, when university started, there was a discussion about volunteer teaching in the class group. At that time, I talked about this experience (perhaps with some hidden pride, “Look! I’ve done such things”). A classmate’s reply left a deep impression on me. I can’t remember the exact words, but the gist was questioning whether I had ever thought about how these waves of volunteer teachers seemed to go with their own purposes to let those children see the outside world, give them more imagination and warmth, yet hurriedly leave, probably never to return to this place, their lives never to intersect again. Compared to this briefly transmitted so-called “knowledge”, whether the benefits outweigh the harm.
I don’t remember the subsequent discussions, but I imagine I must have said something like “I’ll go see them again if I have the chance” with lingering attachment to those children. That was in 2015. Seven years have passed, and I’ve never been back. She was right.
Afterwards, I became very cautious about such things and no longer dared to call it charity, fearing that I would do such self-satisfying things out of vanity. In my memory, I only gave a little more than usual when the department’s volunteer teaching team called for donations to buy winter clothes.
This time, seeing Manjusaka’s tweet, I felt genuinely happy and hope I can do more in this way too.
Miscellaneous
This section will record my input and output, as well as other things I find interesting.
Input
Books
- Work, Consumerism and the New Poor, whether in the era of work ethics or later consumerism, even with the addition of grandiose terms like ethics and morality, the poor have always been merely a symbol and never viewed as a group. The constantly changing rules and orders, or different attitudes, are just the ways each society chooses to prefer or allow at that stage. Even when value is given to the poor, it’s nothing more than condescending charity.
- The Nine-Grid Writing Method, a small book, concise and with an attractive writing style. Previously, I’ve always disliked such “how to read/write” books, but after starting to update my blog, I often feel the limitations of expression methods. It’s very inspiring, especially in information collection and organization. In my practice, combined with Logseq’s daily recording of various ideas, it can add a lot of ideas for writing.
- Stoner, I read it hastily in high school, but rereading it recently gave me many new feelings. I don’t know if it’s because the setting is all about literature majors, but while reading, I was reminded of “Normal People”, a popular drama from a couple of years ago. Perhaps an ordinary person’s life is always so trivial and real, with studies, love, and marriage all full of a sense of brokenness, unable to change yet living earnestly. Recently, I’ve come to like more and more this plain life under simple strokes and the attitude towards life it conveys. Perhaps I’m getting old too (although it sounds a bit affected to say so).
- Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage, a rare physical book I’ve read in one sitting recently. Murakami’s words often have this magic, seemingly just describing some trivial matters and mental clutter, yet attracting people to explore the connections between various elements. This book is mainly about the breakdown of friendship and loss. I can’t help but think of the three-person small group I’m in. Perhaps I, who have placed too much dependence, can no longer bear the cost of loss. It’s just that as life and time pass, we have more to face.
TV Series
- Five Days at Memorial, watched more than half, talking about some events during Hurricane Katrina in the US, inevitably reminds me of some things during the Wuhan epidemic
- House of the Dragon, prequel to Game of Thrones, watched one episode so far, general impression is average
Movies
- Return to Dust, the first feeling reminds me of Nomadland, followed by To Live. The rain scene is both moving and heartbreaking, silently praying that hardships won’t befall, yet to no avail. But in the two hours of quiet viewing, there doesn’t seem to be much trace of exaggerating suffering in terms of viewing experience. Perhaps this is the true face of Chinese people’s suffering itself, generation after generation repeating the same mistakes.
Anime
- Summer Time Rendering, even reluctant for it to end, rare to still be looking forward to subsequent developments after 20 episodes, hope it doesn’t have a bad ending
Games
- Octopath Traveler, played a bit on weekday nights during leisure time, the high-definition pixel art experience is quite good
- Disco Elysium, was sick this week, so didn’t play
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