Preface
This piece is a record and reflection of my life from September 27, 2022 to October 9, 2022.
This is a weekly review spanning quite a long period. The reason being that I took leave early on the morning of September 29 and returned to Hangzhou, followed by the National Day holiday, making it a small extended vacation. That week was mainly occupied with overtime work and the journey home, so I decided to merge it into one article.
I continued to be busy with the launch of the project at hand, and due to the pre-holiday adjustment, it was somewhat rushed. Although there was still much to adjust during the holiday that required overtime, the functionality was completed. Therefore, the week and more at home was somewhat relaxing. I spent time with family, met some friends, changed my hair color (to blue-gray), and also reorganized my suspended life.
Suspended Life and Self
Nearly half a year has passed since the mid-year changes in my life. I always thought I was experiencing inevitable forgetting, but the increasingly frequent dreams lately seem to mockingly remind me that it was merely suspended, never truly past.
I didn’t used to dream much before. Although I couldn’t say I was without worries, my generally positive disposition also meant that troubles didn’t significantly affect my life. However, lately, some real memories and scenarios have been reappearing through dreams, so real that every morning I feel somewhat bewildered, needing increasingly longer times to dispel these low spirits, or allowing them to grow and spread into the corners of my life.
Counting back, I suppose I haven’t been completely dejected over the past half year. Work has been completed quite well, the blog I picked up again has gained some recognition and has a considerable number of visits; although I often slack off, I’ve managed to keep up with the weekly reviews; my Twitter account, an outlet for my desire to share, has also accumulated some followers, making me a small tech+daily life blogger, and my channel for random thoughts is slowly filling with rich content. Meanwhile, I’ve also read many books, watched movies, anime, and TV series that I had previously marked, and while I can’t say my thoughts have changed much, I have been cultivating a habit of thinking.
It seems everything is on a good trend, but I always vaguely feel that something is missing.
I seem to always protect myself in a way that avoids falling into an extremely bad state. When I’m feeling low and depressed in some aspects, I would force myself to invest energy in others, as if seeking some balance and decency in certain aspects. It’s like observing my own life from an objective perspective, too calmly filling the gaps in life, while the meaning of life itself has been suspended, seemingly losing its importance and significance.
A few years ago, I wrote an article titled “A Confession at 23: To Pursue Meaning”, which was quite a significant opening piece for this blog. Looking back at the words from that time, although I didn’t arrive at any profound truths after stating some somewhat self-righteous insights and experiences, there was still some arrogance in seeking self and determination in constructing self.
However, now I seem to have suspended the matter of self along with the lack of meaning in life. It seems that as long as I can keep myself busy, everything is fine. The weekly review is a channel for self-reflection, but it can only address the current state and mood, and it’s difficult to touch the depths of self.
Being able to see obvious decline but powerless to remedy it, this sense of powerlessness is not subjective self-numbness and indulgence, but a kind of suffocation and despair like drowning in the sea. Unable to save oneself, even harder to expect help from others, unable to see a lighthouse, only able to survive relying on occasional driftwood. I don’t want to always leave behind some negative words, but during this holiday, I allowed myself to be swallowed by the whirlpool of emotions, almost unable to feel the passage of time.
October 10 marks the day I first brought Little Potato home. The hours spent lying on the sofa trying to lure her out with cat food are still vivid in my mind, and the joy of her first time in my arms is unforgettable. As this date approaches, I only feel increasingly sad.
Raising a cat is probably something that requires a lot of effort to do well. Originally, I thought more that we were taking care of the cat, giving her a comfortable living environment, but now I realize that it’s me who needs her. I’ll probably consider getting another cat sooner. After I can return to Beijing, I’ll go to the previous cat shelter to have a look, to add some anticipation and warmth to my life.
Others
This section will record my input and output, as well as other things I find interesting.
Device
Every year or two, I would revisit classic GBA games using phone emulators, but playing with virtual buttons always lacks that childhood feeling. I got a new toy from @Ehco1996, unlocking a new world of open-source handheld consoles!
Quickly revisiting Pokémon and Fire Emblem series (although I’ve already completed them many times), happy!
Input
Books
“Send You a Bullet”, this is the most enjoyable book I’ve read in the past two years. Because it’s a collection of essays and notes, I can read a few pieces during commutes without feeling disjointed. I really like Liu Yu’s style of speaking, with life essays interspersed with some political and cultural reflections. Several times I almost laughed out loud on the subway. I never knew words could present a person’s way of life and the appearance of their world so concretely and authentically. Moreover, this kind of authenticity in writing and self-mockery is the state I aspire to. I hope that years later, when I look at my own writings, I can have this kind of pleasant surprise to some extent.
“Siddhartha”, a very short book that I finished during a two-hour flight. Perhaps because I was physically isolated from external disturbances, it felt strangely peaceful. It talks about Indian religious philosophy, a pursuit of the pure and peaceful parts of human self. I heard a friend say they had gone through a stage where everything felt meaningless, closed off and painful. I often feel the same, which suddenly reminded me of Siddhartha. A complete person needs to experience Siddhartha’s entire life, from rebelling against everything in the world and rejecting mediocrity, to self-discipline, suppressing desires, self-avoidance and comfort, then to beginning to know, learn and overturn oneself, self-contradiction, and finally to still following oneself, but being able to understand and sympathize with people and their ways of life. For me, the most profound point is that it warns from the perspective of a complete lifetime that life cannot find self by following rules or imitating and following others. Only through constant thinking and seeking can one truly understand oneself and life. It doesn’t mean that everything must be experienced firsthand, but at least one should explore and experience rather than just take. I strongly recommend watching the analysis video by the treasure Bilibili uploader “Naive and Sentimental Novelist”.
“Less Than One”, I found it while organizing my bookshelf at home and discovered I had read it a few years ago, but my memory was a bit blurry. I’m marking it here and will reread it when I have time. I really loved physical books back then.
Movies
“Bullet Train”, it gave me a sense of déjà vu of “Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels”. The scene transitions and neon light narration settings were quite impressive, but the ending and background explanation felt a bit rushed.
“Manchester by the Sea”, it might not be a suitable movie to watch when I’m already feeling low, but I still watched it quietly to the end. Regret, emotions, family affection, the loneliness of a person - I can’t say I empathize completely, but I did try to understand.
“Shin Ultraman”, I didn’t expect to still be able to watch an Ultraman movie, it still has that familiar feeling.
TV Series
“The Terminal List”, saw a recommendation, just started watching.
“Kieta Hatsukoi”, it’s already finished, but I haven’t watched it all yet. I saw Takegi’s edits recently, so I thought I’d watch the rest.
“House of the Dragon Season 1”, watched until the middle and thought it was okay, so I might as well finish it.
“Rick and Morty Season 6”, maybe because I watched the previous seasons too quickly, following this season slowly allows me to discover more details.
Anime
“Summer Time Rendering”, it has accompanied me through these six months. The setting, pacing, and plot are all very comfortable. I’m satisfied with the ending. After all, who doesn’t love sweet romance?
“My Stepmom’s Daughter Is My Ex”, setting aside the premise, it’s more like a daily life romance anime in the middle and later stages. It’s quite sweet.
Games
- “Fire Emblem: The Blazing Blade”, I recently bought an open-source handheld console on Xianyu, allowing me to catch up on the Fire Emblem series that I’ve been longing for. I was too young at the time and couldn’t fully appreciate the joy of tactical strategy games, which is somewhat regrettable.
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