Weekly Review #17 - Him and His Cat

Preface

This is a record and reflection of my life from October 28 to October 31, 2022.

As the previous weekly review was updated quite late, this period seems particularly brief in its time span. However, it holds special significance due to a major change that entered my life.

After a three-day journey to cat shelters from Friday to Sunday, filled with indecision, I brought home a silver point (silver shaded colorpoint? I just realized there are so many varieties) kitten that caught my eye. The name is yet to be decided, but I’ve once again embarked on a life with a feline companion.

Him and His Cat

This title is inspired by an anime called “She and Her Cat,” which contains a quote that left a deep impression on me:

I’ve been searching for traces of her, and the reason I search for her is precisely because she is searching for me too. — “She and Her Cat”

I’ve always been fond of cats. Back in 2016, seeing a cafe owner’s adorable Ragdoll cat sparked thoughts of owning one myself. But it seems that before my previous relationship, I had never truly considered the idea of having a cat, or rather, living a life accompanied by a feline friend. Perhaps the enthusiasm and patience for cats were there, but I always felt unprepared to take responsibility for a new life companion. My own life often seemed in disarray, so how could I presume to be responsible for another being’s entire existence? I once came across a simple yet poignant saying:

A cat may only be a small part of your life, but you are its entire world.

After settling into a stable work and life in Beijing, the idea of “getting a cat” seemed to happen naturally. I spent a weekend visiting several cat shelters and quickly decided on a kitten that caught my eye, whom I named Xiao Shu. Like first-time parents, I felt curious yet nervous about every aspect of this new companion.

As days passed, it seemed to become an ordinary part of life, but in truth, it was far from a given. There was a time when I viewed the everyday as routine, believing that I and everything around me had changed, only to realize it was more self-satisfaction than anything else.

I must admit, shamefully, that during my previous not-so-brief experience of cat ownership, I was more focused on enjoying the role. I looked forward to companionship when busy and tired, sought comfort when in pain or depression, and found an outlet for joy and excitement. But when it came to the finer details of caring for a cat, I didn’t pay much attention. Even now, I’d struggle to accurately name Xiao Shu’s favorite brand of cat food or canned food. I could hardly be called a competent caretaker.

What happened afterwards came about naturally, as I mentioned in a previous post, “Weekly Review #08 - Career Musings, 404 Not Found, and Cats”:

To be honest, I hadn’t considered getting a cat before being with her. I suppose I felt that someone who couldn’t even take care of themselves had no right to be responsible for another living being. But when we actually had a new family member, I gradually discovered that I enjoyed this sense of dependence and being depended upon. It seemed to give life many new goals.

After she left, Xiao Shu was taken away too. Though I often jokingly tell friends that I’ve lost “both human and cat,” I know deep down that my care wasn’t as good as hers, so this choice was understandable. Still, every recollection of the past brings double the sadness.

After watching the documentary “The Secret Life of Cats” last night, I gained more insight into many of the thoughts and interaction details of cats that I had previously overlooked. It vaguely sparked the idea of maybe getting another cat myself. But this feels like a betrayal to Xiao Shu, and I still haven’t mentally prepared myself to properly care for a new member. Welcoming a new member when I’m the one in need can hardly be called a responsible choice for either of us.

Perhaps someday in the future.

That “someday in the future” I mentioned has arrived.

Objects in the distance appear small and blurry, while things nearby are very clear. Memories are the same—distant past is vague, recent events are remembered in detail. It should be this way. But lately, I’ve been able to recall past events with clarity. — “She and Her Cat”

I originally thought this day would be far off, that it would only come when I could truly accept the past, when I could sincerely say “let it go” and face things calmly. But it’s not like that. The more I try to forget, the clearer the memories become.

I often receive comfort or wishes to “cherish the present,” but for me, this is a rather tricky phrase. All past experiences have shaped who I am now; both the past and present are equally worthy of cherishing. I don’t want to discard a complete version of myself just to escape negative emotions. I suppose I’ll continue living with this mindset.

Psychologically, it’s hard to say if I’m truly prepared—prepared in all senses. My thoughts are a jumble. But I feel I should be ready to accept a new life companion again, or rather, I need this kind of mutual companionship. As I mentioned in “Weekly Review #14 - Shelved Life and Self”:

October 10th marks the day we first brought Xiao Shu home. The hours spent lying on the couch, trying to lure her out with cat food, are still vivid in my mind. The joy of her first time in my arms is unforgettable. As this date approaches, I only feel increasingly sad.

Raising a cat is probably something that requires a lot of effort to do well. I originally thought we were taking care of the cat, giving her a comfortable living environment. Now I realize, it’s I who needs her. I’ll probably consider getting another cat sooner. When I can return to Beijing, I’ll visit the previous cat shelter and see if I can add some anticipation and warmth to my life.

At this point, I’m quite grateful to myself for setting the goal of writing weekly reviews. It allowed me to record these thoughts and the self-reflection behind them. Perhaps it’s because of these words that I’ve been able to find some answers to my questions.

Although the journey of wanting to raise another cat has been ongoing for a while, the final decision seemed more like a sudden impulse. After work on Friday, I went to a pre-booked cat shelter not far from the office. I originally intended to choose a Ragdoll similar to Xiao Shu, but was drawn to a small silver tabby. Perhaps it was her blue, crystal-clear eyes, or how she quietly and gently curled up on my leg as soon as she arrived.

Due to upcoming business trip plans, I was hesitant, thinking I might only be able to bring her home at the end of December. I feared missing crucial bonding stages and worried about the discomfort the journey and new environment might cause her. It seems that in moments like these, I start to consider many things.

Over the weekend, I still went to the originally planned cat shelter in Changping to look at Ragdolls. Because of the long journey, I started reading Murakami’s “Novelist as a Vocation” on the way.

He talked about his experiences right after graduation, which suddenly struck a chord with me. I realized it had been a long time since I felt this warm and hopeful feeling. Apparently, I needed companionship more than I had imagined.

After inquiring about the rules for inter-provincial pet transportation and communicating with my company, I decided to bring her home immediately, resuming a life with a cat. It’s quite strange, really. Although nothing seems to have changed much, on the taxi ride home, as I chatted casually with the driver and occasionally glanced at the cat in her carrier, I suddenly felt that life was flowing again. The unfamiliar Beijing outside the window remained the same, but my heart felt a sense of belonging.

Miscellaneous

This section will record my inputs and outputs, as well as other things I find interesting.

Input

Books

• Novelist as a Vocation, currently reading. Murakami’s writing is truly fascinating, a blend of reality and self-mockery.
• Computer Architecture: A Quantitative Approach (6th Edition), currently reading. It’s a bit hard to digest.
• Programming in Lua, Fourth Edition, finished the video course, now consolidating through the book.
• Common Sense, still reading. As expected, not finishing it in one go during the trip has led to procrastination.
• The Crowd: A Study of the Popular Mind, just revisited. The deepest impression is how easily one can become less intelligent or ignore the errors in one’s behavior when entering a group. Even if not directly causing harm, it’s easy to become an accomplice who releases malice with a “safety in numbers” mentality. Some parts are quite referential, but there’s also a strong personal bias. Whether malicious groups deserve to be saved is also worth pondering.
• Five Kinds of Time, curious to read after it was mentioned in Xiao Lu’s video. I consider myself part of the group that pursues time management, knowledge management, etc., yet I still couldn’t gain much benefit from this book. The theoretical explanations are too anecdotal, making it difficult to understand the experiences and thought processes behind these insights. The dialogic reasoning method of Adler in “The Courage to Be Disliked” would be much better in this aspect. As for the methodology part, the elaborate “garden model” is hard to relate to.

TV Series

• Silent Snow, watched the fourth episode and suddenly felt very sad. Although it was expected, I still feel sorry for Sodou (maybe because I relate strongly).
• The Peripheral, currently following.

Anime

• She and Her Cat, a very short yet touching short film. Rewatched it because of the weekly review title, and it resonates especially strongly with me as someone who just adopted a cat. A cat may only be a small part of your life, but you are its entire world. Raising a cat is probably something that requires a lot of effort to do well. I originally thought we were taking care of the cat, giving her a comfortable living environment. Now I realize, it’s I who needs her.

Games

• Persona 5 Royal, long-awaited and finally available on Switch. I’ve only played the tutorial part, but the art style, soundtrack, and gameplay design are all stunning. Sometimes it’s enjoyable just to have it playing in the background while doing other things. Wonder when I’ll be able to fully experience it.