Preface
This piece is a record and reflection of my life from June 22 to July 10, 2023.
The past few weeks have been both long and fleeting, filled with numerous events and thoughts I’ve been eager to express. Yet, something in the depths of my heart has repeatedly held me back from putting pen to paper. It’s as if everything isn’t quite ready, and I find myself at a loss for words, wanting to tell a good story but unsure where to begin.
Tonight, in the depths of night, Spotify’s Discover Weekly recommended HIGH4&IU’s “Not Spring, Love, or Cherry Blossoms”. My emotions were gently touched, much like when I heard that line from Mayday’s “Tenderness” - “Walking in the wind, today’s sunlight suddenly feels so gentle”.
The season may not be fitting, and the lyrics may not be particularly relevant, but there are always a few songs that can deeply connect with one’s emotions at certain moments. Even just the prelude can make my heart dance in rhythm. So I hastily opened the blank blog document I had prepared long ago, wrote down this title, and wanted to quietly write in this place that has carried so many of my experiences and emotions:
“I’m in love.”
In the Mood for Love
As I mentioned in my previous post, “Weekly Review #42 - Views on Relationships, Life State, and Self”, I hardly feel fully prepared for a relationship. Many emotions may have eased but haven’t yet settled, many aspects of my views on relationships, though recognized, still haven’t been properly sorted out, and there are still many parts of myself that need to be understood and overcome.
However, sometimes life is like the intersection and convergence of world lines in “Steins;Gate” - complex yet traceable.
Mid-month, I went to Beijing to attend the Gopher China 2023 conference. As it was a stolen moment of leisure amidst busyness, I didn’t arrange any special itinerary. I just thought that since I was back in Beijing, I’d stay a few extra days and chose a hotel near boyi’s home. After-work life became much more fulfilling - we would go to the Japanese restaurant at the entrance for dinner and chat, walk several kilometers to listen to a concert, and occasionally go to a quiet bar for a drink and to draw.
Perhaps because I had grown accustomed to and even longed for these few days of daily life, when the departure time was approaching and boyi said she suddenly had a work arrangement to go to Shanghai on a business trip, I almost without hesitation (even as if grasping at a lifeline) said:
“Then I’ll go with you.”
I’m hardly one to believe in fatalism. After experiencing some things, it’s hard to have faith in predestined fate. Perhaps without this choice, this sentence, the world line would have continued along its original trajectory. Perhaps it would converge again at some point in the future, perhaps not. Fortunately, it was so.
Although the trip to Shanghai was only two short days, changes were quietly taking place, and emotions were growing and spreading wildly in my heart. We walked and stopped on the Bund, guessing the words on the buildings across the river or on the cruise ships; we laughed in the sudden rain despite having umbrellas, like two people who never grew up.
When we parted ways at Hongqiao, we both understood that we could no longer maintain that tacit understanding we had before. However, I became afraid, retreated, and evaded.
“Afraid of the emotions sprouting within me, fearing that my flawed self couldn’t bear such a complex relationship, and also fearing that I might be insincere, indulging in momentary happiness.”
This is probably the most accurate description of my state at that time.
The first week after returning, both sides cooled down, struggling and in pain. I talked with family and close friends until dawn, trying to shift my attention and no longer be moved by the existence far away, only to find it was in vain and self-deceptive. Every day seemed to be on the original life trajectory, but my heart was already in turmoil. I would be happy all night because boyi posted a beautiful cloud, and I would be sad all day because of a slightly polite tone.
So I secretly booked a ticket to Beijing, appeared at boyi’s doorstep with flowers on the tail end of June, nervous, timid, yet expectant. Because I was too nervous to speak, I asked for whiskey to boost my courage (unknowingly drank almost half a bottle), and for fear that my half-drunk self hadn’t properly confirmed my feelings, I sent that message “boyi, I like you” on WeChat right in front of her.
And then, I fell in love.
Except for Spring, Love, and Cherry Blossoms
Love has once again become something without much reality for me. Amidst the happiness, I seem to have just begun to slowly think, what is it between us?
The emotions of liking need not be said much, the novelty and curiosity, though beautiful, are often hard to last long, so what’s left?
A montage video “Nostalgic Montage | Do We, Drifting in the City, Gaze at the Same Sky?” reminded me of a line said by Rika in “Tokyo Love Story”:
“There must be many people like me in the world, lonely and solitary. But we all gaze at the same sky.”
I think this is probably my current thought.
I recall a Weibo post I made when we had just met but had to say goodbye to her leaving. Although I’m not particularly good at expressing my emotions face-to-face with others, I clearly remember turning my head to hide my tears when touched by boyi’s words on that rainy night, and these few sentences have stayed with me for many years. Perhaps at that moment, I felt a resonance - similarly drifting about, similarly pretending to be strong and indifferent, yet touched and at a loss by things so small they couldn’t be smaller.
Everyone is an independent individual. I can hardly become, nor do I wish to make another person my star/spiritual support. But perhaps, we can gaze at the same sky together, quietly holding each other’s hands when our eyes are dazzled by the bustling crowds and spreading street lights.
Personal Life Snippets
The biggest change in my life these weeks is that I’ve started running every day. I’m using yihong0618’s “GitHub - running_page” and continuing to form the habit. I’ve also been getting up around 7 every day, and I really feel like the world is different.
There are quite a few other things I want to talk about, but I’ll leave that for later.
Interesting Things and Objects
Input
Although most interesting inputs are automatically synchronized in the “Yu’s Life” Telegram channel, I’ll still select some to list here. It feels more like a newsletter this way.
Books
- Lu Xun’s Miscellaneous Essays, a book sent to me by reader & friend Junjie. I slowly peruse it after my morning run.
Articles
[The list of articles remains unchanged in the translation]
Videos
Here’s a record of some interesting videos I’ve watched:
[The list of videos remains unchanged in the translation]
Podcasts
Music
[The list of music remains unchanged in the translation]
TV Series
- Black Mirror Season 6, disappointing. I had quite a few expectations before watching, the first episode felt a bit flat but still creative, didn’t expect it to be the peak. It feels strangely commercial. In comparison, many plots from the first and second seasons still don’t feel outdated or even forward-looking even after many years.
Movies
- A Man, I actually wanted to write a review for this movie, but it seems I haven’t watched it deeply enough. I’ll rewatch it.
- Lost in the Stars, it feels like the first movie I’ve watched in a theater in nearly a year. It’s a bit hard to describe, the logic and rhythm feel a bit disconnected.
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